February 26th, 2010

February 26th, 11:12pm: We had a great ending to what started as a bad day for me. Windchill was in great spirits this evening, waiting for his 6pm lift which began with a team meeting outside the barn, out of earshot of the little fella. Our lift team already knew what this was about – do we move the little guy to the U of M or do we keep him here and continue caring for him. I already had misgivings about the idea, leading to the post this morning that brought out everyone’s opinion – the vast majority of which were from people who have never examined or seen Windchill. Thus we wanted to hear from those that are here every night. After an hour long consultation with the University of California-Davis Equine Clinical Services starvation expert, it was their opinion that the stress of moving Windchill would be very harsh on his fragile system, and the loss of the continuity of care (and yes love, which is a big factor) that has been created would probably be even rougher. Our care regimen was reviewed and endorsed. They were impressed by his progress. The unanimous decision is that unless there is some change in condition, we are going to keep him here where we can continue our round-the-clock care of our friend. Is it worth the efforts – the changing of sawdust, hay, cleaning, giving him water, grain, turning him every six hours, keeping him covered, massaging his legs, giving him meds? Unquestionably. He’s bright eyed and spirited. We don’t keep him alive for us. We keep him alive because he chooses to live – his bright clear eyes burn with desire.

Tonight’s lift went very well, Windchill stood immediately after the lift and went back and forth between saying “hello” to Kisses and then over to the other stall to say “hi” to Sunday. We had a little celebration tonight. Rick L. brought over several pizzas and pop for the lift team, and Windchill got a new mix of hay that he loved. Of course I never have the camera for the cute stuff like his nuzzling with Kisses. We looked at pictures from two weeks ago and what his coat looks like now and what a difference! He stayed up for a couple of hours and decided it was bed time.

Apparently I have quite a crowd reading this, many with strong opinions of a being they haven’t been near. Will that change how I feel or how I write? No. I don’t think it’s fair to start filtering content to cater to certain elements. Plus we have that pesky constitutional right to free speech thing I guess I’m exercising here. I can appreciate the opinions of others. I respect and value input. But that’s where it stops. Windchill is in a barn sleeping peacefully on a thick bed of sawdust and hay, covered in blankets rotated and washed several times a day in a washer and dryer on their last legs. He doesn’t have the heated barns of the polo playing ponies (none of whom called over here offering up their barns – that offer came from a small dairy and horse farm in Cloquet who had more caring than money I’m betting)…but he does have love, shelter, monitoring and good medical care. We have been, and will continue to be in constant contact with experts, which include UC-Davis, as well as our vet. CORRECTION: The U of M would like us to correct this statement that their records do not show constant contact. They are unsure why there was not return calls to us, they show our initial contact and the contact regarding the sling useage. Unfortunately I’m a horse lover but not a horse expert. I love working with them. I love being with them.  So what you’re going to continue to get from me here is the unfiltered thoughts, sights and feelings of a cowboy who enjoys cigars, loves the smell and sound of his 50hp diesel steed – Excalibur -  as it carries the hay bales to the pastures (the herd considers this meals on wheels), drives a pickup, listens to country, classical, jazz, and big band and still thinks the Partridge Family might make a comeback. I say grace, I say sir and ma’am, I still believe in this great nation and I believe in God. The dog’s my best friend and I of course have the 3 brightest, most talented kids on earth. I’m not asking you to believe in any of that, just respect it.

February 26th, 2:56pm: The volunteers report Windchill is good spirits this afternoon, I think the quiet between shifts and the fact that during the day there’s generally only one or two people there quietly talking versus the number of people in the evening is helpful to his well-being. We’ve both talked to some folks today who are worried that Windchill is dying. The good and the bad of a running dialogue like this is you experience frustrations, sadness and fear at pretty close to the same time I am feeling it so you get my sadness at a point normally I’d be having a cigar and reasoning things through I guess. The reason I was both corrected, and then corrected what I had posted was that his condition is still serious and he’s not out of the woods. People assume because they see the picture of him up that he’s ‘all better.’ What they don’t see is the 23 hours that he’s down, being rolled over every six hours and being held up so that he can drink from the water we hold for him, or eat the grain out of the bucket. BUT his lungs are clear, his system is functioning and he eats and drinks steadily. While the state of his body and the fact that he’s alive pretty much defies normal explanation -  he is in stable condition (no pun intended). He does not need to immediately move to the U. I’m sorry if my own sadness overshadowed his current status. I guess what I’ve discovered is that his depression – his ups and downs – have a profound effect on my own feelings. Awhile back I thought I had better ‘walls’ in place for this – I guess his spirit is contagious and I’m not as distanced from those ups and downs as I thought. You also got a dose of my anger and frustration at how he got to this physical state of being and my feeling disappointed that he’s a “0″ on a scale that measures his body but not really his spirit. Hopefully I haven’t short-changed him on the spirit department, that amazing willpower is what’s helping him stomp on the odds against him.

February 26th, 5:30am: Whoa. Have I mentioned how quickly morning comes these days? Sorry about last night’s update, I sat down in my chair and closed my eyes for a minute and it was time to roll Windchill over his morning. For those of you that have been starting your day by reading these updates and using the dates I’ve posted as your frame of reference for other events in your life – big mistake. Keep in mind I have been operating under at most 4 hours sleep on a good night, have fallen asleep posting these updates and use the previous day’s date if I haven’t gone to sleep because tomorrow doesn’t start until I’ve at least closed my eyes for a little while. So sorry for any confusion or missed meetings or the perception that I was writing from the future on one or two of my updates.

Last night was a mixture of good and not so good from my viewpoint. We hoisted Windchill up at his usual time, which he was excited about – but he was only able to stand for maybe 15 minutes.  After being down for approximately 45 minutes he was very frustrated at being down again and wanted to be lifted back up so we did it again. He stood for a little bit longer the second time but then needed to lay back down. That made me sad and worried. While his legs are still flexing and moving they’re cold. Polly is making him special leg wraps that we keep rotating to try and keep him warm. It breaks my heart seeing how badly he wants to stand but can’t. We have some decisions to make in the days ahead. Our vet has cleared him for travel but it’s a truly mixed bag – we think there’s probably enough donations to help with a good portion of the costs for at least a two week stay. Not sure as we haven’t added up our guestimates on everything but I have charge cards so I’m not worried about that, we can worry about paying that off later. The issues are the difficulty of the ride there for him in a trailer and the fact that once there he really will have to stay until he’s on his feet and he slips in and out of depression. I kind of love the little guy with all my heart (something I think I can comfortably represent is true for all of his volunteers that have gotten to know him) and even though he’d be surrounded good folks, it wouldn’t be us. We couldn’t sit with him in the barn and hold him. I can’t check on him late at night. It’d be good for Kathi in that she wouldn’t be out there at 4am. But conversely it would be bad for Kathi – because she wouldn’t be out there at 4am. You’ve all done so much to help us with prayers and donations and sitting with him, could you maybe see if the they’d be willing to move everything here so we don’t have to decide this?… Sometimes being a parent can be so hard…

A horse’s body condition is rated on a 1-9 Body Condition Score. 1 is completely emaciated, 9 is obese. Unfortunately I have been corrected that my understanding of where Windchill was on the score is incorrect. I thought he was a 1. Windchill is a 0. Windchill does not even rate on the BCS – AFTER TWO WEEKS OF GRAINING, FEEDING AND WATERING. The vet assures us he’s making slow progress – our best testament of this right now is that he is alive. Another positive sign is that his eyes are getting brighter. His coat is also getting shinier. And the fact that he stands regularly just amazes the experts. But after two weeks he’s not even registering – I have to really, really, really restrain myself from editorializing about how somebody could watch a being literally fade away by starvation like this. I’m not telling Windchill, we’re going to keep telling him he’s doing great. The reality is he was a live spirit in a basically dead body. There are probably all kinds of spiritual or clinical experts who can ‘philosophize’ (is that a word?) about how  or why the little guy is even still here. I believe hope and an absolutely unfathomable desire to live kept him alive in that cold pasture – a fight that began long before we arrived to drag him out that day. Think about it – Windchill didn’t suddenly starve, it’s a process that takes time so he had to stand out in sub-zero temperatures and actively decide not to give up – not to do what would have been so easy and so understandable and just lay down and let the sweet release of the bitter cold overwhelm him into oblivion. Another lost soul the world would never have heard of. Instead he went through hunger pangs every day as his body withered away and he felt the signs of dehydration and starvation taking their toll. And he stood out there and waited and hoped and slowly died but absolutely refused to give up until approximately 10am on February 9th. And even after he had fallen – Windchill REFUSED NOT TO LIVE! That incredible little spirit and your prayers and hope keep alive a little guy whose body has told him he shouldn’t be. Kind of makes your problems look a whole lot smaller by comparison doesn’t it? I know it does mine. He is completely focused on two things: Keep living – and stand up.