03/02/08, 7am…how we spent the night after Windchill’s passing…

March 2nd, 7:00am: After finding that Windchill had passed away, I spent that entire night up searching the internet, reading everything I could find on horse starvation, and starvation in general. My heart hurt so badly that my eyes blur now as I think about the little guy. Animal lovers will understand. And you know the feeling if you have kids in our life in some fashion. They become a part of you, they’re innocent, they love unconditionally and expect so little in return that you want to protect them, hold them close. I searched for a reason to blame me. I guess in anguish I needed to find something we did wrong, something we could’ve done that was a wonder miracle cure. 6 or 7 hours of reading til my eyes were raw and the answers kept coming up the same. It all reinforced the overwhelming odds stacked against him and what a miracle it was he lived as long as he did, and that he accomplished as much as he did – standing and walking around, regaining strength and weight. And it all came back to his organs were never going to be able to support his body. The damage from the starvation was too severe. So eventually to live, his spirit had to leave his body behind. I have to severely restrain myself to not lash out at what brought him to this point. God, please help me to forgive because I’m having trouble doing it myself.

This morning we take Windchill’s body on its last ride here on earth. We leave for Anoka shortly. Normally I love loading up horses in the trailer and going for a ride somewhere. This morning’s ride may be the hardest of my life. Man I loved that little guy. We all did. I know you did too. He just had such a sweet, innocent, mischievous personality you couldn’t not love him. Lifting his head to see why you’re not petting him. Grunting a bit when he wanted some water or more food. Sighing as he was brushed and massaged. Nuzzling when it was quiet and it was just Kathi or me and him laying there next to him. I got addicted to that little whinny he made each time we’d open the door to return to the barn, or we left him for too long in his opinion to clean the stalls next to him so we’d have to go back in there and give him another hug. So this morning I guess I  fail in another goal I had for Windchill – one more hello than goodbyes.

Many have asked about Windchill’s foundation. We know what it’s mission will be and we know in general who we will be working with but it’s too soon to have begun the work.  We began developing the idea for his foundation as Windchill mentored us in the belief that there is power in hope and that one soul can cause change. And if one 9 month old soul can unite a world and bring together strangers from all walks of life – we figured he could lead all of us to change the world a step at a time. Just like he did. And just like his spirit will do. We have a restricted fund set up for him. Those dollars that went to Equine Allies will be used to reimburse those that bought so many supplies for him, the equipment we were a day away from going live with to monitor him (and let you sit with him alsol), as well as his other needs along with his medicine and medical bills. I don’t know what happens to any remaining dollars there but their cause is a good one and so I’m not worried. Those dollars that have been contributed to his restricted fund will be used for his foundation – our dream is that what Windchill brought together will continue. We’ve witnessed first-hand the miracle that is generated when people join together and believe.

I see his volunteers are back to say “goodbye” before we leave. My heart breaks again. Two nights ago Larry Ericksen brought over a solid metal pipe we were going to put on the barn ceiling today. Gary Niemi, our official barn engineer, had come up with an idea for  extending the chain and winch we used for Windchill to allow for even more movement without Windchill reaching the end of the sling and chains and getting them twisted when he walked around a lot. Windchill was getting taller and heavier, so we needed to come up with a new system. Then today was going to be a quiet pizza party and celebration of his time with us and how well he was doing. Sigh. I have to go.