March 5th, 2010

March 5th, 11:28pm: By the way, I had a thought or inspiration as I was writing somebody back about their pain with Windchill’s loss. The gist of her question was she didn’t understand why the loss of Windchill was effecting her so deeply – she couldn’t stop crying. I’ve gotten the same type of note from literally hundreds of people each day. And it hit me while I was typing that email back that perhaps the reason it has hit people so hard was that if we are all indeed spiritual beings in these carbon-based shells – then the spirit and feelings that connected us to Windchill could connect you just as easily. In your hearts, and in your thoughts and prayers you touched Windchill every day. It was that ‘touching’ that healed his heart and spirit. If there is no distance between us and God – or if your belief system is different perhaps you might think of that as positive light and energy – then it stands to reason that there was no distance between your loving, caring spirits and Windchill. And if your spirits did touch Windchill – then the loss you feel in your hearts right now – the reason that you can’t stop crying or hurting over this – is that you connected with exactly the thing that kept us and our volunteer care team at his side every single day. You understand why we now say that what we gave of our bodies and maybe even our spirits – was a small token compared to what we received in being a part of his incredibly powerful spirit of hope and that amazing quiet resolve he had. Physically we will heal in time. Inside, we will carry that spirit of hope forward. I think we are all warmed inside by Windchill. And I think the degree of pain and grief so many are feeling is an indicator of the amount of hope and caring this world has in its heart. We just needed Windchill to help us find it. Thank you so much little guy.

March 5th, 11:01pm: Wow, I just looked at when I last posted – how’s that for precision? I’ve been working tonight on the online forum option for everyone, plus I got an email from a friend who is a programmer who said she may have a forum going on her server as well. So I hope to go ‘live’ with the new community by tomorrow hopefully. We’ve gotten hundreds of emails from people asking for it, lots more that are just supportive in general and that means a lot to us, more than mere words on this screen can convey.

Separately – if you’ve called and left voicemails, or filled out the online forms on my site – it’ll be awhile before I catch up. I do want to say “thank you” to all of the people that called with resources and ideas – both when Windchill was still fighting on earth, and afterwards in support of his loss and some of the ideas we’ve mentioned here – the foundation (still open to possibly working with a foundation in the meantime…) as well as offers to assist in various aspects. The website is turning into something more difficult than envisioned – in part because we want the online forum to be a part of it and some other dynamic parts that will be part of the mission of the foundation or fund.

FYI, for those coming from southern areas to see Windchill’s ashes and the place that he called home for 20 days (and will forever) – please remember to dress warmly. The driveway is icy and you’ll be in a barn so I wouldn’t suggest you wear your ‘school shoes.’

Tomorrow’s the big day. I have new tires ready to put on the trailer tomorrow afternoon. Guess it’ll be crazy for awhile, swap out of my ‘costume’ (business suit) and into my ‘after school play clothes’ and head for Anoka. Hopefully I’ll be on the road by late afternoon and have Windchill home by early evening. That’s the plan anyway. Midwest said the ashes will weigh about 30 lbs in the oak urn. Kind of a small amount of weight for such a big legacy, isn’t it? I think we’ll both feel better knowing he’s home though. It just seems like time has been a blur. I think I’ll stop here because I’ll start to dwell and wish and get angry. Less than a week ago he whinnied when we went in the door. Now we have to listen for it in the wind I guess.

Several different communicators ‘talked’ with Windchill on an ongoing basis. They asked if that was okay. We didn’t tell each of them what the others had reported regarding their interactions with Windchill. And the similarities that each had to say, particularly at the end were so striking it’s almost unnerving. I suppose lots won’t believe in such things. I’m not really asking you to. Having personally seen the spirituality of beings, human and animal, I no longer question these things. I listen. If I have time tomorrow I’ll post the collective notes that came from these communicators and healers. We found a lot of comfort in knowing what Windchill felt and thought, both during his fight for life and the final moments of his life. This isn’t intended to be a ‘cliffhanger’ I’m just too wiped to try and find Kathi’s notes so I apologize. Thanks everyone for hanging in here with us and for listening and caring.

March 5th, 11:01am: I’m sorry for the delay friends. I haven’t been feeling well and tried to lay and get some rest but that muscular pain inside makes any position really uncomfortable so here I am.

I got a very nice note from Dr. Carolyn Stull and UC-Davis on the “why” that I had originally put in simple, “Jeff” terms. (Remember, I was the ‘cowboy’ novice on a team that included lifelong horse owners and professionals) She wrote the email at the level Kathi understands things but it was a great note and very supportive of our efforts. We will be forever grateful to those who were willing to help – and take the heat for that help. Dr. Meagher is a wonderful vet and we appreciate her time immensely. Dr.  Meyer called not only to check on Windchill, but check on us to see how we were holding up. Dr. Stull from the University of California-Davis was invaluable in providing us resources regarding equine starvation, proper diet at various recovery stages, and the physiological effects of extreme starvation on a horse’s system. Anoka Equine Veterinary Services was very caring and stayed on 24/7 alert ready to accept Windchill and provide care, as well as the security he needed. They were also very gracious and understanding of our feelings and need to be near him had the care team decided to move him.

I’m experimenting with several blogging-type sites to see which will work for all of us to ‘talk’. Thanks for your suggestions folks – they’ve helped immensely. The tire place here in St. Paul called and said the tires are ready. Groan. Had to buy new rims as well, the old ones required tubes which apparently people don’t like to deal with anymore and I just gave up – I’d just like to get my trailer back without taking it apart and bringing it home in boxes or the backseat or something. Holy smokes did it take a long time to filter out the stupid spamming on the guestbook. Unbelievable. I think it’s clean again, hopefully.

By the way, for whatever it’s worth – Kathi and I and lots of others are going through the same grief that brings you back here. I know that people don’t understand. I know that there’s posts out there from the jaded, hardened masses along the lines of “he was just a horse, get over it.” I know that there’s suffering out there and I know that there are people that just get annoyed that ‘just a horse’ got some attention – they’d rather their newspaper be filled with what they’re used to – carnage, death, depression. They’re used to driving by the people on the road whose car is broke down without so much as making a cell call to help them. They’re used to walking by those who are needy. They can drive by a Salvation Army center and not think twice about the extra blankets they have sitting on their shelves unused, or the jackets they bought years ago that maybe someday they’ll wear so why donate them? You’re probably not going to be able to change their opinions – and it’s America, they do have their right to their opinion. It doesn’t necessarily make their opinion right or wrong, they just have the right to it. BUT…WE can choose not to listen to them. We can choose to be different and use our experience from Windchill’s loss as a chance to connect with people all over the country and in fact the world who feel that maybe – just maybe – some people working together that care can change things for the better a step at a time. Just like a 9 month old colt did – he walked his way into your heart, just like he did ours. So don’t let the naysayers get to you – believe me, we’ve heard plenty during this struggle. Heck, we’ve gotten it from organizations. It’s not going to change our resolve. I hope it doesn’t change yours either.