03/09/08, 10:10pm… Windchill’s last vision…we are his family

March 9th, 10:10pm: After chores tonight I came inside and I answered as many emails as I could. I typed and typed. I feel that so many of you have poured your hearts out to me in emails, you have felt such pain over Windchill’s loss that I feel an obligation to you to read them – and to write you back. And I will. I guess it will take time. I finally had to lay down for awhile and found my body much heavier than when I laid it down. I guess I figured out tonight that I have gotten so used to the schedule we had with Windchill here – that I was maintaining that pace. Maybe somehow believing it would make him come back. It was something that connected me to him. I was used to no sleep. I was used to life being a blurred frame of night and day, people coming and going, making sure Windchilll had volunteers for the part of the blur we weren’t here to personally cover. My day revolved more around 6pm than any other time. 6pm was the highlight of my day. The people that became Windchill’s family became mine. We all cheered a little after 6pm every day for the past X amount of blur. Someday I will read my own blog to figure out how much time that was. Proud parents watching a child learn to walk again. And bless their hearts, that same ‘family’ are the ones that came to my rescue with the horse trailer. It never occurred to me to ask them. I’m used to being in it alone – so I always have a backup plan. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how the backup plan for the trailer failed – I had a spare tire, I had fix-a-flat, I had a hydraulic jack as backup to the trailer ramp for replacing the tire. All of which failed. I brought the trailer home and it broke on the way – none of the usual supplies I have for this planned-for situation were with. That’s not me. I always plan.

Well tonight it occurred to me it wasn’t my plan failing – it was another one’s succeeding. Windchill’s last vision on this earth was that we were his family – me, Kathi, Gary and Polly, Lori and Ashley, Larry and Char, Sunday and Kisses, the boys across the aisle, Walker and Olivia, Karen, Stacy, all of his close volunteers – we were his family. And you, the world, were intertwined as well – he felt you, knew you were there – and so did we. It took a completely unfathomable situation – with a series of events that are beyond coincidental (I plan for every conceivable circumstance with my toolkit and travel supplies! ) for me to realize.  I’ve thought and thought about this. I blamed it on my tiredness originally – but the toolkit is in my truck. The equipment worked when I put it in the trailer. But – the last time when the trailer broke Thursday night, I was given only enough odds and ends to get the trailer to a place to leave it. Windchill’s last vision on earth wasn’t just about himself. I didn’t know that. I assumed that with Windchill’s passing – so went everybody else. I was back to ‘me’ or having to solve things here ourselves. I was wrong. Windchill’s vision of family applied to me too – to us. It took the over-active imagination of a 9 month old colt to knock me over the head repeatedly to let me know I’m not alone. (I’ve learned Windchill, please ease up on the trailer now…)  Windchill brought together strangers and acquaintances and turned them into friends and somewhere in all this we became a family. He brought together strangers from all over the world and in no time at all – they were part of his family as well. You came together, you helped, you prayed, you supported. And now, you support each other on his forum, helping each other to heal and working so that good can come of what has happened. And you reached out and helped me. Thank you all for being here and not going away. I’m not going anywhere either. Thanks for becoming my family. And most of all, thanks Windchill for not forgetting me, or us. I miss you terribly but I thank you for still being here. And I understand now.

Love, your dad