March, 2010

I was looking where to cut off the posts from the original Windchill saga in 2008 and realized just as much occurred in the month following Windchill’s death as happened during. Therefore, unedited, I’m posting the next month’s worth of posts because it really showed how Windchill’s family came together even more, helping each other heal, helping us form what would become The WindChill Legacy, Ltd., how money can corrupt as in the case of all of the donations that came in to the Duluth-based non-profit who had promised to help us in our time of need with the donations you all sent in to help with Windchill’s costs. Of course we saw that same thing happen at a major Minnesota university as well – thank God for University of California-Davis and their constant presence, assistance and advice during the Windchill days. Unselfishly and without desire for publicity or money they gave of their time and advice – they actually returned our phone calls! Individuals stepped forward as did organized folks like the Fans of Barbaro and gave of their time, money and energy. To all of you we raise our glasses in toast and we remember your generosity, your warm, caring hearts and the positive energy you sent to carry us in our time of need. God bless everyone of you and thank you for your noble natures.

Jeff Tucker

March 6th, 10:45pm: Well it was a long, arduous journey back. The hoped for peaceful, uneventful return trip was anything but. After having to buy two new tires and rims this week for the trailer and installing late this afternoon before leaving Anoka, I hit a bump on the way back and it shattered the leaf spring. Of course this apparently can only happen in the cold when you have aren’t dressed for it (it’s 0 right now as I write this) so there alongside the road Rachael and I had to tie up the remains of the spring so it wouldn’t drag and drive back at 10mph. After laying on the cold ground tying that thing up, 10mph with a heater going wasn’t so bad. The trailer’s currently abandoned on the edge of town similar to how they had to ditch the lunar capsule or whatever that was on Apollo 13…

BUT – the good news is that as of 9:30pm this evening Windchill was returned home to Raindance. It felt good to turn into the driveway knowing that after such a long journey and all its accompanying adventure and mishaps, he was finally back where he belongs. I know there are a lot of people waiting and watching, wanting to know when Windchill came home so I’m going to post this now to let you all know.

March 5th, 11:28pm: By the way, I had a thought or inspiration as I was writing somebody back about their pain with Windchill’s loss. The gist of her question was she didn’t understand why the loss of Windchill was effecting her so deeply – she couldn’t stop crying. I’ve gotten the same type of note from literally hundreds of people each day. And it hit me while I was typing that email back that perhaps the reason it has hit people so hard was that if we are all indeed spiritual beings in these carbon-based shells – then the spirit and feelings that connected us to Windchill could connect you just as easily. In your hearts, and in your thoughts and prayers you touched Windchill every day. It was that ‘touching’ that healed his heart and spirit. If there is no distance between us and God – or if your belief system is different perhaps you might think of that as positive light and energy – then it stands to reason that there was no distance between your loving, caring spirits and Windchill. And if your spirits did touch Windchill – then the loss you feel in your hearts right now – the reason that you can’t stop crying or hurting over this – is that you connected with exactly the thing that kept us and our volunteer care team at his side every single day. You understand why we now say that what we gave of our bodies and maybe even our spirits – was a small token compared to what we received in being a part of his incredibly powerful spirit of hope and that amazing quiet resolve he had. Physically we will heal in time. Inside, we will carry that spirit of hope forward. I think we are all warmed inside by Windchill. And I think the degree of pain and grief so many are feeling is an indicator of the amount of hope and caring this world has in its heart. We just needed Windchill to help us find it. Thank you so much little guy.

March 5th, 11:01pm: Wow, I just looked at when I last posted – how’s that for precision? I’ve been working tonight on the online forum option for everyone, plus I got an email from a friend who is a programmer who said she may have a forum going on her server as well. So I hope to go ‘live’ with the new community by tomorrow hopefully. We’ve gotten hundreds of emails from people asking for it, lots more that are just supportive in general and that means a lot to us, more than mere words on this screen can convey.

Separately – if you’ve called and left voicemails, or filled out the online forms on my site – it’ll be awhile before I catch up. I do want to say “thank you” to all of the people that called with resources and ideas – both when Windchill was still fighting on earth, and afterwards in support of his loss and some of the ideas we’ve mentioned here – the foundation (still open to possibly working with a foundation in the meantime…) as well as offers to assist in various aspects. The website is turning into something more difficult than envisioned – in part because we want the online forum to be a part of it and some other dynamic parts that will be part of the mission of the foundation or fund.

FYI, for those coming from southern areas to see Windchill’s ashes and the place that he called home for 20 days (and will forever) – please remember to dress warmly. The driveway is icy and you’ll be in a barn so I wouldn’t suggest you wear your ‘school shoes.’

Tomorrow’s the big day. I have new tires ready to put on the trailer tomorrow afternoon. Guess it’ll be crazy for awhile, swap out of my ‘costume’ (business suit) and into my ‘after school play clothes’ and head for Anoka. Hopefully I’ll be on the road by late afternoon and have Windchill home by early evening. That’s the plan anyway. Midwest said the ashes will weigh about 30 lbs in the oak urn. Kind of a small amount of weight for such a big legacy, isn’t it? I think we’ll both feel better knowing he’s home though. It just seems like time has been a blur. I think I’ll stop here because I’ll start to dwell and wish and get angry. Less than a week ago he whinnied when we went in the door. Now we have to listen for it in the wind I guess.

Several different communicators ‘talked’ with Windchill on an ongoing basis. They asked if that was okay. We didn’t tell each of them what the others had reported regarding their interactions with Windchill. And the similarities that each had to say, particularly at the end were so striking it’s almost unnerving. I suppose lots won’t believe in such things. I’m not really asking you to. Having personally seen the spirituality of beings, human and animal, I no longer question these things. I listen. If I have time tomorrow I’ll post the collective notes that came from these communicators and healers. We found a lot of comfort in knowing what Windchill felt and thought, both during his fight for life and the final moments of his life. This isn’t intended to be a ‘cliffhanger’ I’m just too wiped to try and find Kathi’s notes so I apologize. Thanks everyone for hanging in here with us and for listening and caring.

March 5th, 11:01am: I’m sorry for the delay friends. I haven’t been feeling well and tried to lay and get some rest but that muscular pain inside makes any position really uncomfortable so here I am.

I got a very nice note from Dr. Carolyn Stull and UC-Davis on the “why” that I had originally put in simple, “Jeff” terms. (Remember, I was the ‘cowboy’ novice on a team that included lifelong horse owners and professionals) She wrote the email at the level Kathi understands things but it was a great note and very supportive of our efforts. We will be forever grateful to those who were willing to help – and take the heat for that help. Dr. Meagher is a wonderful vet and we appreciate her time immensely. Dr.  Meyer called not only to check on Windchill, but check on us to see how we were holding up. Dr. Stull from the University of California-Davis was invaluable in providing us resources regarding equine starvation, proper diet at various recovery stages, and the physiological effects of extreme starvation on a horse’s system. Anoka Equine Veterinary Services was very caring and stayed on 24/7 alert ready to accept Windchill and provide care, as well as the security he needed. They were also very gracious and understanding of our feelings and need to be near him had the care team decided to move him.

I’m experimenting with several blogging-type sites to see which will work for all of us to ‘talk’. Thanks for your suggestions folks – they’ve helped immensely. The tire place here in St. Paul called and said the tires are ready. Groan. Had to buy new rims as well, the old ones required tubes which apparently people don’t like to deal with anymore and I just gave up – I’d just like to get my trailer back without taking it apart and bringing it home in boxes or the backseat or something. Holy smokes did it take a long time to filter out the stupid spamming on the guestbook. Unbelievable. I think it’s clean again, hopefully.

By the way, for whatever it’s worth – Kathi and I and lots of others are going through the same grief that brings you back here. I know that people don’t understand. I know that there’s posts out there from the jaded, hardened masses along the lines of “he was just a horse, get over it.” I know that there’s suffering out there and I know that there are people that just get annoyed that ‘just a horse’ got some attention – they’d rather their newspaper be filled with what they’re used to – carnage, death, depression. They’re used to driving by the people on the road whose car is broke down without so much as making a cell call to help them. They’re used to walking by those who are needy. They can drive by a Salvation Army center and not think twice about the extra blankets they have sitting on their shelves unused, or the jackets they bought years ago that maybe someday they’ll wear so why donate them? You’re probably not going to be able to change their opinions – and it’s America, they do have their right to their opinion. It doesn’t necessarily make their opinion right or wrong, they just have the right to it. BUT…WE can choose not to listen to them. We can choose to be different and use our experience from Windchill’s loss as a chance to connect with people all over the country and in fact the world who feel that maybe – just maybe – some people working together that care can change things for the better a step at a time. Just like a 9 month old colt did – he walked his way into your heart, just like he did ours. So don’t let the naysayers get to you – believe me, we’ve heard plenty during this struggle. Heck, we’ve gotten it from organizations. It’s not going to change our resolve. I hope it doesn’t change yours either.

March 4th, 11:53pm: I’m still in the big city (St. Paul). People go about their business and I find I’m having some trouble re-entering their world. I just don’t feel like the problems that were so major before are such a big deal now. 20 days with Windchill  (sounds like a good title for the book I have been thinking about writing about this) seems to have equated to a lifetime of change. I don’t want to go back to what was. Windchill taught me how one step can make a difference. And the world changes in steps. I’m positive that, led by his spirit and memory, we can all change the world one step at a time. I grow more sure of that with each hour that passes since he left earth. I guess what I’m finding from all your emails is that you want to be here to walk this path together. We’re grateful for that.

I am still working on the forum, a number of Windchill’s friends emailed with various services and I have a programmer friend in the Twin Cities researching some options – right now getting that forum going is my priority. Clearly there are a lot of people hurting and I think we need each other to talk about these things and you need a voice as well so that it’s not my meandering rambling you’re forced to listen to.

March 4th, 8:08am: Okay, so much for hoping it was a one night recovery. Finding I have to take it slow with just about everything – food, rest, sleep. I feel an obligation to return emails to all the kind folks who have written but that will be a long time project yet I find without Windchill to worry about in the barn, this remains a connection to him and his spirit. I realize that our roles have probably reversed – he’s safe and happy and looking out for us like that deal with the horse trailer Sunday. It’s just hard – maybe this is what it’s like when you finally watch your children grow up and leave the nest and someday they’re back to help you with your errands and threaten you with the knowledge that they’ll help choose your nursing home? Right at this point I feel like so many of what were major problems before are so petty. I’ve mentioned before I think, while our lives may return to whatever normal is, they’ll never be the same. I just find escaping that contagious little spirit of his is impossible. As I start to look at pictures and try to figure out how to create a gallery of our time with him, I’m always drawn back to that innocent face, those bright, bright eyes and how flippin’ adorable he was. And it wasn’t until he was laying in the trailer that we realized just how bright that star was on his forehead. I don’t know if that was how it was as he lay in the barn or the result of his departure from earth but it was so brilliant. Maybe it was left as a physical reminder of the brightness his eyes had. We sure miss the little guy. I’m not sure what’s worse – as an equine professional, Kathi understood more the odds and chances. I think for myself, and for others on his care team, ignorance was bliss. The odds were just a challenge we ignored. Yet we all gave our hearts to Windchill. His sweet innocence made it impossible not to, no matter how big and tough you were. I won’t name names with that statement – a glance at the red eyes last weekend would have answered that. I don’t think it made any of us less tough, it just made us better as human beings.

As we develop Windchill’s foundation, I’m finding there’s a lot of folks wanting to help as well as donate and participate in its development. I think I will need to add, at least for now, a separate link off here with notes on the organization as it’s developed as well as its needs. The obvious needs at this moment are the accounting and legal and we have some folks willing to help develop it pro bono. We are exploring options for the interim – tax deductible non-profit status is a journey that requires IRS approval and that’s quite a process – and to keep things moving we are exploring ideas such as affiliation with a foundation to create a Windchill Fund (we have already created a restricted fund as listed in the donation section) as well as another structure to operate under for the interim. We will keep you updated on that page, I’ll try to set that up later tonight or later this week if time doesn’t permit today. If you’re a graphic artist and/or website developer, I’d love to hear from you on the development of a site that hopefully captures the spirit of Windchill. Thanks for caring and continuing to ask you guys – you’ve really helped keep our spirits up and you mean so much to all of us.

March 3rd, 7:18pm: Last night was truly wicked. I guess the last three weeks of my life – which had been force-fed to me through a blur of coffee, adrenaline, cigars, bites of food here and there (kindly dropped off by caring people – thank you again folks), topped off by the loss of the little guy and then the emotional hammering that accompanied it all hit at once. I have no idea how Kathi has kept it up and hope it doesn’t hit in the same way but I suppose a crash was inevitable. 2 Tylenol PMs and later 3 ibuprofen did nothing to alleviate the pain. I don’t wish that on anybody and I hope it was a one night thing but I suppose it wasn’t a one night thing to get into this shape, so perhaps wishful thinking it will be a one night reconciliation back to health.

Thursday afternoon I leave for Anoka to fix the trailer and pick up Windchill’s ashes. I would guess he’ll finally be back home in the late afternoon or early evening and be back where he belongs.

We’ve decided to open the farm up Saturday, March 8th to allow for those that were unable to say “goodbye” to the little guy to do so if they’d like. I don’t know that we’ll do anything more formal, such as a memorial service – I think his life has been chronicled here as we lived it and breathed it the last three weeks. We will of course have coffee and hot water for cocoa or tea on hand.

March 3rd, 4:07pm: A 3 hour truck ride later and I’m back. And my email box is filled with people hoping that I will continue to post here and I will. I think I need it as much as you do. I also think you need to talk as well. I think we all need to ‘hug’ at a distance (something else Windchill taught me, normally I don’t like people in my airspace and now I find I need them in order to survive, just as he did).

Thus I wish to make an appeal to those with ‘techie’ friends. I will be making a list of the things we need help with to make Windchill’s non-profit a reality. But we have an immediate need that I think somebody can help us fulfill out there – I would like to create an online forum for Windchill and those cared about him. I will gladly continue to post here but I think you need to share your thoughts as well. So many have written such beautiful things, encouragement and concern over our health, poems and songs and pictures. His guestbook – first a way to encourage him, and now a way to grieve for him and say “goodbye” is probably not the solution. It’s a way to shout out at the universe that you care – and you’re doing that and it means so much. I’m sure it would mean a lot to him. And I know it means a lot to those of us who cared for him day and night.

So world I’m asking for your help in creating that forum – either a program I can somehow plug into my website, or a blog site that’s relatively easy to use — but isn’t filled with commercialism either,so we’ll need to find a way to make it affordable to me. Absolutely none of the dollars donated for Windchill are being used to pay for things like the bandwidth all of you fans of his have used with this site, memory space, etc. We feel very strongly those dollars should go first towards whatever the final amounts of all the costs were for his care and then towards his non-profit organization thus I will pay for the site.

By the way, people from all over the world seem to be lighting candles for Windchill – I thought the fact that people have been doing that through his ordeal, and now in his passing, was absolutely beautiful. I think we have our friend at Friends of Barbaro for that:

Candlelight vigil site

March 3rd, 11:07am: I’ve come to realize a big part of the reason I come here is that Windchill made us a family. We could all come here and talk about him, vent our frustrations, our sadness, our anger – and there were people who listened. You’re still coming back – and so am I. And so I’ll tell you what – to help in my own healing, our own healing, I’ll be working on filling in the missing pieces that we never had time to finish. Posting more videos. Posting more pictures. And trying to answer some of the questions that came in. I have to leave for the Twin Cities shortly so I will work on this over time. Later in the week I have to try and give a presentation and pretend that I’m okay. I have four days to get to that point. And in the next couple of weeks I will be working on his new foundation website and as part of that I will move all of this, or at least copy it there – so that those that want to continue to be part of this family can be. Windchill lit the candle. We are determined to keep it burning. And together I hope that we can heal. I go between coherent thought and eyes burning so I can’t promise I won’t slide into hell for moments. But in the end Windchill went through hell and out the other side – and together so will we.