Horse

March 8th, 8:50am: Good morning family. If you’re coming out today – please dress warmly. It’s -7 right now but I think it will keep warming up, probably get up to around 10 above today I’d guess, maybe a tad higher. We’re trying to put out as many of the cards and things people have sent with Windchill in his stall as possible. I’ll be sure to take some pictures so that you can see his final resting spot, for those unable to come out. And later this weekend I hope to start working on the photo gallery I mentioned I’d be working on. My priority had been getting the forum up for all of us and I think that’s been very well received.

March 7th, 7:05pm: To the world at large – the only word I can think of is WOW. I went to my PO Box today and apparently it is possible to send love through the United States Postal Service. My PO box was full and had several cards telling me to go to the counter – I gave the card to the rep who looked at it and said “Oh yeah, you have A LOT of mail.” In realm that existed before I had met you, the world, ‘a lot of mail’ meant it would fit in my arms or in a small box. A lot of mail meant the credit card companies had tracked me down and that I may have already won…  What the new definition of a lot of mail is they have to let me use a card to bring it out and it’s a good thing I have a truck with an extended cab! You sent cookies, you sent gifts, you sent cards, you sent donations for his foundation. The Friends of Barbaro have registered a star in Windchill’s name – appropriately in the Pegasus cluster, we now have a beautiful framed declaration and location of the star (thanks Ann – who acted as FOB’s ambassador for this). There were care packages with hot cocoa and coffee. And in the spirit of the Appaloosa part of Windchill and in Native American tradition, Jill from Duluth sent a pouch with tobacco to keep near Windchill’s urn – which we will honor Jill. There’s an Apache blessing to keep near Windchill, honoring his spirit (and again, we will honor your wishes and keep it near). I hope those of you that sent such beautiful tributes will consider posting the tributes and your thoughts regarding them on Windchill’s forum. I don’t know if I can post it right here without possibly violating somebody’s copyrighted thoughts but they’re beautiful. Many of you have also sent poems and beautiful tributes and now that there’s the forum, I may try to start cutting and pasting some of them but I don’t want to risk violating anyone’s personal thoughts in doing so I’ve been cautious in that regard.

Somebody’s thoughts that I don’t believe will be offended that I share will be Ms. Millard’s 1st grade class from Meadowvale Elementary School, Elk River, MN. Ms. Millard and our little friends – the scrapbook you made is so beautiful. I know that you wrote it around the time Windchill’s friends at Northern Lights Elementary School in Superior, WI wrote get well letters and I hope that you all have read Windchill’s letter to you that he had left in his stall. Because Ms. Millard’s first grade class words have such hope for a little colt, I’m typing them up — they’re too precious not to share. I wish you could see the book they made, which they called “Someday”. Click here to read the wisdom carried by the young

March 7th, 11:02am: Morning friends. I’m sorry for the late post but I’m still adjusting to the normal world again and took the day off today to sort of ‘crash’. The pain is working its way out of my system, one of the nurses from work who has the unfortunate role of being my advisor when I goof something up (like the spilled coffee incident…groan…) said it will be some time before my own systems return to normal. In the meantime, it’s ibuprofen to take the ‘edge’ off and this morning just laying trying to get some rest. Fortunately people have been understanding and supportive in my work life.

More importantly for you – after two days of testing and working on the forum, it’s being moved to a new high speed server with a lot of bandwidth this morning. We think we’ve got the bugs out though you may prove me wrong once this starts but the important thing is that shortly we will have a way for everyone to talk, to post their thoughts and their grief and find out that they’re not alone. I think we all need that. I’ve done my best to respond to emails as quickly as I can but as I type this, there are 600 sitting in my inbox and some of you have sent back responses to my responses and I read what I wrote and wonder if I’m on any prescription medication or if english is my second language. The answer is no to both of those but at least that would’ve given me an excuse.

The new forum is located at: Windchill Forum

The forum is a work in progress – it will eventually be a component of the Windchill foundation site – I have a request out for people to develop the new site. Unfortunately developers have had difficulty understanding this is for a non-profit site. I’m also not sure how the blogging will work – if you still want me to be blogging. Not sure whether that should be here on this site, or on the forum. It probably won’t be part of the official foundation site since my views may not be what equine director emeritus’ Windchill’s views might be on things – for instance I make no bones that I like cigars and coffee, his views may be different on that (though he never complained once I might add). Thus please bear with us as we get this going. Even though we’re still tweaking the forum even as I type this, I’m going to announce it now so that you have a place to start talking. The speed issues will be resolved shortly as it migrates to its new high speed, high bandwidth server. One thing I’ve learned in ‘talking’ with you like this – you like to listen apparently. For you techies, this blog and site are now using around 120 gig of bandwidth. The most I ever used in the past was 4 gig for an entire month! Thanks for your support, your kind words and your prayers. You are amazing people.

By the way, we’ve heard from quite a few people hoping to come out tomorrow to see Windchill, the stall he lived, talk and remember. Some folks are flying in, many others are driving. I’ll try to post the weather later so you know what you’re in for. It’s nice out today, though still only 1 degree so a bit colder than some of the places you’re coming from.

Windchill books: I’ve mentioned the idea of writing a couple of books – one for ‘big’ people and one for ‘little’ people and gotten a lot of support for the idea (the proceeds of which would go to the foundation or fund). Ummm, does anyone have any idea how you actually publish the book(s)? Are any of you literary agents or knowledgeable in how to go about this? I suppose we could self publish these days. I don’t know, I guess I find with Windchill gone what energy I have I want to apply to the greater good. To me that’s meant finding a way to connect you all up to talk and heal, work on the foundation idea and the books idea. It’s probably left over adrenaline I’m guessing. Thanks for listening to these ramblings and letting me know your thoughts, this has helped me immensely knowing we haven’t been in this alone.

I was looking where to cut off the posts from the original Windchill saga in 2008 and realized just as much occurred in the month following Windchill’s death as happened during. Therefore, unedited, I’m posting the next month’s worth of posts because it really showed how Windchill’s family came together even more, helping each other heal, helping us form what would become The WindChill Legacy, Ltd., how money can corrupt as in the case of all of the donations that came in to the Duluth-based non-profit who had promised to help us in our time of need with the donations you all sent in to help with Windchill’s costs. Of course we saw that same thing happen at a major Minnesota university as well – thank God for University of California-Davis and their constant presence, assistance and advice during the Windchill days. Unselfishly and without desire for publicity or money they gave of their time and advice – they actually returned our phone calls! Individuals stepped forward as did organized folks like the Fans of Barbaro and gave of their time, money and energy. To all of you we raise our glasses in toast and we remember your generosity, your warm, caring hearts and the positive energy you sent to carry us in our time of need. God bless everyone of you and thank you for your noble natures.

Jeff Tucker

March 6th, 10:45pm: Well it was a long, arduous journey back. The hoped for peaceful, uneventful return trip was anything but. After having to buy two new tires and rims this week for the trailer and installing late this afternoon before leaving Anoka, I hit a bump on the way back and it shattered the leaf spring. Of course this apparently can only happen in the cold when you have aren’t dressed for it (it’s 0 right now as I write this) so there alongside the road Rachael and I had to tie up the remains of the spring so it wouldn’t drag and drive back at 10mph. After laying on the cold ground tying that thing up, 10mph with a heater going wasn’t so bad. The trailer’s currently abandoned on the edge of town similar to how they had to ditch the lunar capsule or whatever that was on Apollo 13…

BUT – the good news is that as of 9:30pm this evening Windchill was returned home to Raindance. It felt good to turn into the driveway knowing that after such a long journey and all its accompanying adventure and mishaps, he was finally back where he belongs. I know there are a lot of people waiting and watching, wanting to know when Windchill came home so I’m going to post this now to let you all know.

March 5th, 11:28pm: By the way, I had a thought or inspiration as I was writing somebody back about their pain with Windchill’s loss. The gist of her question was she didn’t understand why the loss of Windchill was effecting her so deeply – she couldn’t stop crying. I’ve gotten the same type of note from literally hundreds of people each day. And it hit me while I was typing that email back that perhaps the reason it has hit people so hard was that if we are all indeed spiritual beings in these carbon-based shells – then the spirit and feelings that connected us to Windchill could connect you just as easily. In your hearts, and in your thoughts and prayers you touched Windchill every day. It was that ‘touching’ that healed his heart and spirit. If there is no distance between us and God – or if your belief system is different perhaps you might think of that as positive light and energy – then it stands to reason that there was no distance between your loving, caring spirits and Windchill. And if your spirits did touch Windchill – then the loss you feel in your hearts right now – the reason that you can’t stop crying or hurting over this – is that you connected with exactly the thing that kept us and our volunteer care team at his side every single day. You understand why we now say that what we gave of our bodies and maybe even our spirits – was a small token compared to what we received in being a part of his incredibly powerful spirit of hope and that amazing quiet resolve he had. Physically we will heal in time. Inside, we will carry that spirit of hope forward. I think we are all warmed inside by Windchill. And I think the degree of pain and grief so many are feeling is an indicator of the amount of hope and caring this world has in its heart. We just needed Windchill to help us find it. Thank you so much little guy.

March 5th, 11:01pm: Wow, I just looked at when I last posted – how’s that for precision? I’ve been working tonight on the online forum option for everyone, plus I got an email from a friend who is a programmer who said she may have a forum going on her server as well. So I hope to go ‘live’ with the new community by tomorrow hopefully. We’ve gotten hundreds of emails from people asking for it, lots more that are just supportive in general and that means a lot to us, more than mere words on this screen can convey.

Separately – if you’ve called and left voicemails, or filled out the online forms on my site – it’ll be awhile before I catch up. I do want to say “thank you” to all of the people that called with resources and ideas – both when Windchill was still fighting on earth, and afterwards in support of his loss and some of the ideas we’ve mentioned here – the foundation (still open to possibly working with a foundation in the meantime…) as well as offers to assist in various aspects. The website is turning into something more difficult than envisioned – in part because we want the online forum to be a part of it and some other dynamic parts that will be part of the mission of the foundation or fund.

FYI, for those coming from southern areas to see Windchill’s ashes and the place that he called home for 20 days (and will forever) – please remember to dress warmly. The driveway is icy and you’ll be in a barn so I wouldn’t suggest you wear your ‘school shoes.’

Tomorrow’s the big day. I have new tires ready to put on the trailer tomorrow afternoon. Guess it’ll be crazy for awhile, swap out of my ‘costume’ (business suit) and into my ‘after school play clothes’ and head for Anoka. Hopefully I’ll be on the road by late afternoon and have Windchill home by early evening. That’s the plan anyway. Midwest said the ashes will weigh about 30 lbs in the oak urn. Kind of a small amount of weight for such a big legacy, isn’t it? I think we’ll both feel better knowing he’s home though. It just seems like time has been a blur. I think I’ll stop here because I’ll start to dwell and wish and get angry. Less than a week ago he whinnied when we went in the door. Now we have to listen for it in the wind I guess.

Several different communicators ‘talked’ with Windchill on an ongoing basis. They asked if that was okay. We didn’t tell each of them what the others had reported regarding their interactions with Windchill. And the similarities that each had to say, particularly at the end were so striking it’s almost unnerving. I suppose lots won’t believe in such things. I’m not really asking you to. Having personally seen the spirituality of beings, human and animal, I no longer question these things. I listen. If I have time tomorrow I’ll post the collective notes that came from these communicators and healers. We found a lot of comfort in knowing what Windchill felt and thought, both during his fight for life and the final moments of his life. This isn’t intended to be a ‘cliffhanger’ I’m just too wiped to try and find Kathi’s notes so I apologize. Thanks everyone for hanging in here with us and for listening and caring.

March 5th, 11:01am: I’m sorry for the delay friends. I haven’t been feeling well and tried to lay and get some rest but that muscular pain inside makes any position really uncomfortable so here I am.

I got a very nice note from Dr. Carolyn Stull and UC-Davis on the “why” that I had originally put in simple, “Jeff” terms. (Remember, I was the ‘cowboy’ novice on a team that included lifelong horse owners and professionals) She wrote the email at the level Kathi understands things but it was a great note and very supportive of our efforts. We will be forever grateful to those who were willing to help – and take the heat for that help. Dr. Meagher is a wonderful vet and we appreciate her time immensely. Dr.  Meyer called not only to check on Windchill, but check on us to see how we were holding up. Dr. Stull from the University of California-Davis was invaluable in providing us resources regarding equine starvation, proper diet at various recovery stages, and the physiological effects of extreme starvation on a horse’s system. Anoka Equine Veterinary Services was very caring and stayed on 24/7 alert ready to accept Windchill and provide care, as well as the security he needed. They were also very gracious and understanding of our feelings and need to be near him had the care team decided to move him.

I’m experimenting with several blogging-type sites to see which will work for all of us to ‘talk’. Thanks for your suggestions folks – they’ve helped immensely. The tire place here in St. Paul called and said the tires are ready. Groan. Had to buy new rims as well, the old ones required tubes which apparently people don’t like to deal with anymore and I just gave up – I’d just like to get my trailer back without taking it apart and bringing it home in boxes or the backseat or something. Holy smokes did it take a long time to filter out the stupid spamming on the guestbook. Unbelievable. I think it’s clean again, hopefully.

By the way, for whatever it’s worth – Kathi and I and lots of others are going through the same grief that brings you back here. I know that people don’t understand. I know that there’s posts out there from the jaded, hardened masses along the lines of “he was just a horse, get over it.” I know that there’s suffering out there and I know that there are people that just get annoyed that ‘just a horse’ got some attention – they’d rather their newspaper be filled with what they’re used to – carnage, death, depression. They’re used to driving by the people on the road whose car is broke down without so much as making a cell call to help them. They’re used to walking by those who are needy. They can drive by a Salvation Army center and not think twice about the extra blankets they have sitting on their shelves unused, or the jackets they bought years ago that maybe someday they’ll wear so why donate them? You’re probably not going to be able to change their opinions – and it’s America, they do have their right to their opinion. It doesn’t necessarily make their opinion right or wrong, they just have the right to it. BUT…WE can choose not to listen to them. We can choose to be different and use our experience from Windchill’s loss as a chance to connect with people all over the country and in fact the world who feel that maybe – just maybe – some people working together that care can change things for the better a step at a time. Just like a 9 month old colt did – he walked his way into your heart, just like he did ours. So don’t let the naysayers get to you – believe me, we’ve heard plenty during this struggle. Heck, we’ve gotten it from organizations. It’s not going to change our resolve. I hope it doesn’t change yours either.

March 4th, 11:53pm: I’m still in the big city (St. Paul). People go about their business and I find I’m having some trouble re-entering their world. I just don’t feel like the problems that were so major before are such a big deal now. 20 days with Windchill  (sounds like a good title for the book I have been thinking about writing about this) seems to have equated to a lifetime of change. I don’t want to go back to what was. Windchill taught me how one step can make a difference. And the world changes in steps. I’m positive that, led by his spirit and memory, we can all change the world one step at a time. I grow more sure of that with each hour that passes since he left earth. I guess what I’m finding from all your emails is that you want to be here to walk this path together. We’re grateful for that.

I am still working on the forum, a number of Windchill’s friends emailed with various services and I have a programmer friend in the Twin Cities researching some options – right now getting that forum going is my priority. Clearly there are a lot of people hurting and I think we need each other to talk about these things and you need a voice as well so that it’s not my meandering rambling you’re forced to listen to.

March 4th, 8:08am: Okay, so much for hoping it was a one night recovery. Finding I have to take it slow with just about everything – food, rest, sleep. I feel an obligation to return emails to all the kind folks who have written but that will be a long time project yet I find without Windchill to worry about in the barn, this remains a connection to him and his spirit. I realize that our roles have probably reversed – he’s safe and happy and looking out for us like that deal with the horse trailer Sunday. It’s just hard – maybe this is what it’s like when you finally watch your children grow up and leave the nest and someday they’re back to help you with your errands and threaten you with the knowledge that they’ll help choose your nursing home? Right at this point I feel like so many of what were major problems before are so petty. I’ve mentioned before I think, while our lives may return to whatever normal is, they’ll never be the same. I just find escaping that contagious little spirit of his is impossible. As I start to look at pictures and try to figure out how to create a gallery of our time with him, I’m always drawn back to that innocent face, those bright, bright eyes and how flippin’ adorable he was. And it wasn’t until he was laying in the trailer that we realized just how bright that star was on his forehead. I don’t know if that was how it was as he lay in the barn or the result of his departure from earth but it was so brilliant. Maybe it was left as a physical reminder of the brightness his eyes had. We sure miss the little guy. I’m not sure what’s worse – as an equine professional, Kathi understood more the odds and chances. I think for myself, and for others on his care team, ignorance was bliss. The odds were just a challenge we ignored. Yet we all gave our hearts to Windchill. His sweet innocence made it impossible not to, no matter how big and tough you were. I won’t name names with that statement – a glance at the red eyes last weekend would have answered that. I don’t think it made any of us less tough, it just made us better as human beings.

As we develop Windchill’s foundation, I’m finding there’s a lot of folks wanting to help as well as donate and participate in its development. I think I will need to add, at least for now, a separate link off here with notes on the organization as it’s developed as well as its needs. The obvious needs at this moment are the accounting and legal and we have some folks willing to help develop it pro bono. We are exploring options for the interim – tax deductible non-profit status is a journey that requires IRS approval and that’s quite a process – and to keep things moving we are exploring ideas such as affiliation with a foundation to create a Windchill Fund (we have already created a restricted fund as listed in the donation section) as well as another structure to operate under for the interim. We will keep you updated on that page, I’ll try to set that up later tonight or later this week if time doesn’t permit today. If you’re a graphic artist and/or website developer, I’d love to hear from you on the development of a site that hopefully captures the spirit of Windchill. Thanks for caring and continuing to ask you guys – you’ve really helped keep our spirits up and you mean so much to all of us.

March 3rd, 7:18pm: Last night was truly wicked. I guess the last three weeks of my life – which had been force-fed to me through a blur of coffee, adrenaline, cigars, bites of food here and there (kindly dropped off by caring people – thank you again folks), topped off by the loss of the little guy and then the emotional hammering that accompanied it all hit at once. I have no idea how Kathi has kept it up and hope it doesn’t hit in the same way but I suppose a crash was inevitable. 2 Tylenol PMs and later 3 ibuprofen did nothing to alleviate the pain. I don’t wish that on anybody and I hope it was a one night thing but I suppose it wasn’t a one night thing to get into this shape, so perhaps wishful thinking it will be a one night reconciliation back to health.

Thursday afternoon I leave for Anoka to fix the trailer and pick up Windchill’s ashes. I would guess he’ll finally be back home in the late afternoon or early evening and be back where he belongs.

We’ve decided to open the farm up Saturday, March 8th to allow for those that were unable to say “goodbye” to the little guy to do so if they’d like. I don’t know that we’ll do anything more formal, such as a memorial service – I think his life has been chronicled here as we lived it and breathed it the last three weeks. We will of course have coffee and hot water for cocoa or tea on hand.